By Dr. Don Dunlap
Pastoral Counselor
Here are some marriage communication “don’ts” that could damage your relationship.
Family Counseling Ministries -
In the following continued list of marital communication
“don’ts” we take a further look at suggestions to enhance problem solving in
marriage:
Don’t keep score of offenses. Jesus meant it
when he told us to forgive one another seventy times seven—in other words, an
infinite number of times. It is an exhausting and fruitless endeavor to try to
keep up with which mate has been more selfish and insensitive than the other.
Remind yourself of the glorious truth, “Where sin abounds, grace does much more
abound.” Be gracious to your mate, as your Heavenly Father is gracious to you.
Don’tcompare your spouse to anyone
else, or your marriage to any other marriage relationship. God has created each
of you uniquely and your union is entirely unlike anyone else’s. It is foolish
to wish that you related to each other as “Susan and John” relate to each
other. You are obviously not Susan and John. Prayerfully seek to
discover the communication style that works best for the two of you.
Don’t chase rabbits. Stay on the subject at
hand. When emotions run high it is easy to get sidetracked from the present
task. Be single-minded in your approach and remember the warning of Proverbs
10:19, “In many words is transgression.”
Don’t say, “I told you so.” It is a hollow
victory. Should your perspective turn out to be the right one, the wisest
course of action is to remain silent. Your spouse will appreciate your humility
and you will most likely retain your “I Was Right” title only until the next
disagreement arises.
Don’t bring up past offenses. Someone has
described this as “saving emotional trading stamps.” The Bible instructs
husbands and wives to forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven them.
When God forgives a sinner, He promises to no longer remember his or her sin.
This, of course, does not mean that God cannot remember the many sins His
children have committed. It means, rather, that God, in His mercy, chooses
never again to bring up those sins against His children. Make a solid
commitment to deal with present offenses only.
Finally, don’t return evil for evil. The
marriage relationship is a training ground for turning the other cheek. Try to
respond to an angry spouse with a neutral comment such as, “I can see that you
feel very angry about this and I’m committed to working on this problem until
we reach a satisfactory solution.” A gentle answer is an effective tool to help
defuse anger.
As marriage partners strive, by God’s grace, to be mindful of
these scriptural “don’ts” they will find themselves on the road to more
meaningful and successful marital communication.
Dr. Don
Dunlap, a pioneer in the placement of Pastoral Counselors in the offices of
Christian physicians, has conducted over twenty thousand appointments during
his ministerial career. His counseling practice includes adults, children and
families in crisis. Dr. Dunlap is committed to facilitating a network of
telephone counselors. His goal is to provide help for the many people unable to
meet face to face with a competent Bible-based counselor. For a complete
library of Dr. Dunlap’s articles, indexed by topic, go to Family Counseling Ministries. You
may also make an appointment for personal telephone counseling by clicking on Family Counseling Ministries.
Family Counseling Ministries is a Christianity.com
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